How to Find Yourself Sober

What do I mean, How to find yourself sober?

Manipulation was easy on me whilst I was drinking. It was almost too much to fight anything. Not that I enjoy confrontation, that was probably part of my downfall. I didn’t have the mentality or tools to deal with or question anything. Take my husband for example, not that I am husband bashing but this springs to mind as most of the manipulation I realise (now that I find myself sober) was coming from him. He’s a very clever guy, he knows how to word things to make them seem my fault or to make me sound like I am being unreasonable. However for me to think on the spot in response it’s not my strong point.

For instance, we have lots of little jobs to do around the house, whenever I mention these little jobs I can see his soul disappear. He clearly doesn’t want to do them. I do what I can, but in truth, his reaction to past things I have attempted scares me a little. I could not care less when I drank. It was when I was sober that I became really determined or it has just gone on too long it goes unattended. This I promise you can go on for years!

I wouldn’t mind but I have often voiced that If he doesn’t want to do it, that’s OK, but let’s get someone in to do it. When these words leave my mouth, the anger and look of contempt wash over his face for such a suggestion. It’s not that I blame him, it’s just his upbringing of you are a man you do manly things. God forbid if he showed feelings in front of his parents.

Light Bulb Moment

I think after all these years, it was only this week that he practically owned this way of thinking as he began a conversation of :
Him: “I get lots of shit off women”
Me: “Are you saying I give you lots of shit?”
Him: “No, at work, giving me shit, like lights and stuff to do”

Can I just add at this point that he’s an electrical contractor.

It continues with
Me: “Isn’t that just them, asking you to do something that needs doing?”
Him ” Yes, but it doesn’t fall in line with what I want to do, so it’s giving me shit”

As you can imagine, by the stunned and concerned look on my face, he soon realised what he had said and looked away in embarrassment.

So how am I dealing with all this stuff whilst I find myself sober, not very well in truth! All this is what has led me to blogging, getting my thoughts and feelings here instead of muddled up in my mind.

Forwarding on 2 weeks on How I find Myself Sober

Yes, 2 whole weeks have passed since I began writing this post. The drafts box has been clogged up waiting for me to regain the mental strength to finish it. I felt like I was going under. But thankfully even though the drinking thoughts came at me, I am still sober and managed to get through the fog.

What helped me?

I booked a reiki session, it’s something I have tried to dabble in before when I first tried to find myself sober. I had the notion that I no longer wanted to drink. Back then I went out and bought myself an Amethyst crystal along with the seven Chakra stones. My son, bless him bought me a Chakra book for Christmas (which ashamedly have yet to read!). But like those two weeks, those two years passed me by without doing anything about it, until I had to stop writing this post. I felt utterly drained, so tired, and unhappy. I had stopped going to the gym, I felt no motivation and I was on a month-long cycle. Damn you menopause!

And so, back to the Reiki, it was so natural how I found this lady. I’m not sure if I have mentioned but I have been seeing a Chiropractor for an old injury on my ankle. It was there whilst I was waiting that I saw a small leaflet for holistic healing. The Lady’s name was the same as my sister’s which is by far not a popular name and this made me sit up and think. I slid a leaflet in my bag and once my session was over I dropped her a message and booked an hour-long appointment.

The Session

Have you ever had a Reiki session? You should, I fully recommend it. It felt like an hour’s meditation with her warm hands being placed on certain parts of my body. But, best of all it was what she told me after we had finished. Now, I am very skeptical of things like this, I do believe in the universe and the pull it brings in guidance, fate, and all things like that, but I’m not convinced of spirits and hauntings or have ever been interested in clairvoyants.

Without a doubt, I felt I had been drawn to this person. Let me tell you why. Unfortunately, I was a little late and turned up rather flustered. She immediately put me at ease and told me to take deep breaths and relax. We had a short conversation and filled out the obligatory health type of form but I swear that was it. She knew nothing about my life, or how I was feeling, she just had me hop on the bed and close my eyes.

The Magic

To my amazement, the hour passed so quickly and the last thing I remember was waking up to an image of a school girl in a checked blue dress. It was me as a young girl about seven years old. I am still not sure why that happened, nothing else has come to light in the ensuing weeks. Without a doubt, this lady felt something. She began with my head Chakra and told me I had so much going on up there in my head, carrying lots of things around for myself and other people. This is what I feel is very true. She then moved to my third eye. Explaining that she felt I was very creative and my third eye was active at the moment. This I can relate to my newfound skills in AI and the graphics I have been creating for my Sober Gifts shop.

This next one really got to me, my throat Chakra. She knew I was finding it hard to voice what I needed, to someone. I’m welling up at just writing this one, It is so true. I could feel my throat tighten when she was around that area during the session. She felt it too, I couldn’t believe it. Furthermore, I was told I needed to open this. If I couldn’t voice these things out loud to do so or I should write them down. That is when I first began this post.

Felt Like a Blow

Next was my Solar Plexus, I found that I have some digestive issues and this she confirmed. being sober is helping me to fix this to fix it. Last but not least my Root Chakra. The reiki showed her I was very drained My exhaustion was palpable. Taking time out for myself was what she suggested, thought that I needed to be outside and reconnect with the world. At this I burst into tears, now, let me explain, I am not an over-emotional person. For this to happen shocked me completely. I am the type of person that will bottle things up and I allow them to build until they explode. However, I am working on this. I know it’s not a great way to be, for me or for others. It takes courage, and I lack courage. It takes a lot of strength for me to have the slightest bit of confrontation with someone, especially someone I love.

The Seven Chakra’s

I know there are seven chakras, but I don’t remember her mentioning my Heart or my Sacral (I need to relearn what that actually does!) Maybe my heart has been closing or my head is holding all the drama so I don’t get hurt. Who knows, I suppose time will tell.

Apologies

I feel the need to say sorry as I think I lost my way with this one, I began it as a bit of an emotional rant. Not really getting to the point of how to find yourself sober. In my mind, I was starting to lay the blame. In truth no one is to blame, we are allowed to change. Change is great, and being scared is good it means to me we are growing and moving forward. I just need to remember that. This blaming needs to stop. Over the years I have come to see that this just leads me to a downward spiral in which I give up and once more hit the bottle. But not this time. I am so much more aware of my actions and the consequences of taking things in this backward step.