Sober Holiday -Getting Ready

I’m back already, wanting to tail end my last post before my thoughts fled. Getting ready for this sober holiday is what I’m going to try and share.

You all know by now that my last drink was at the end of my last holiday to India. 86 days to be exact. It was after this trip the realisation of how I was viewing things was all wrong. Blaming myself for other peoples thoughts and feeling was not on me.

Feeling guilt is something I mention a few times. It was quite a substantial part of my drinking. Applying rules only to brake them would certainly bring the guilt on the next morning. Guilt of arguing with my husband the night before. Guilt for telling off the kids when really I should have been more present to deal with situations more calmly.

For me the guilt didn’t stop at my drinking but filtered into my sobriety phases too. I was holding myself responsible for other people’s happiness.

I had in my mind that I wasn’t being fun if I didn’t drink. Watching other people’s reaction to my not drinking made me feel like I was also spoiling their fun.

It has taken me a while to work through why that is, I have been consumed and if honest a little self obsessed about my not drinking. A dialogue of why I don’t want alcohol plays through my mind constantly which led me to over think how people are viewing me.

Finally I have managed to see things from outside my box. Instead of worrying how people see me, I have begun to care less. Instead of feeling like I’m being judged, I have begun to care less. Instead of feeling guilt for spoiling fun, I can see now that this is their fun they are spoiling and not mine.

My key to all this was my confidence, I have mentioned this before. Building my confidence and conviction of why I must stay sober has given me back my power.

You see, no matter who says I am boring I know for sure I’m not. They can’t deny the smile on my face, the laughter that comes from me along with the dancing and singing when ever I get the chance. All they see now is that I’m truly living.

This post is not to make abstinence from drinking sound easy. It is still a daily struggle. Every night on holiday so far my mind has asked me if this is really how I want to be. Wouldn’t it hurt if I had just one Cava. Look at all those cocktails surely I will be alright.

It’s a lonely fight, I can’t mention these demons to the group I’m with. Their support only stretches so far as long as I’m adamant that I don’t want alcohol. They will lure me right back in to suit their needs if I give them the slightest knowledge of the chink in my armour. So I stay quiet, confident in knowing I will order sparkling water, coffee or on occasion a mocktail.

I couldn’t be happier right now, my pride is taking over. One day at a time is still what I need to do. Daily reminders of my why will keep me on track. Turning nerves into excitement is what I need to practice for social events.