Sober Holiday -First Attempt
So here goes, my first attempt at a sober holiday. The holiday was to Tenerife in March. With dry January well behind me I was in full flow of never touching a drop of poison again mode. Feeling robust the holiday was booked for myself, hubby and his parents.
The scene has been set in other post of how my family are a family of drinkers. Just for context, this was at a time when I was on the absolute beginning of my trying to be sober journey.
First there was concern when it was announced that I didn’t want to drink on this holiday. Quickly followed the amusement and mockery. Why on earth would you want to go on holiday and not drink? Ermm because… I stumbled, I wasn’t ready, I thought I was but in came the embarrassment and guilt of ruining things for myself and them. Questioning myself with things like – am I just being stubborn?
Nights one and two were ok, but we were booked for ten! Every day at 11am the drinks would start to flow, I would have water. I could genuinely feel the sideways glances and smirks and began to feel the pressure.
Every evening at dinner wine would be ordered, I could feel it was getting too much. The self doubt and questioning myself “am I making my drinking a bigger deal than it is?” Crept back in and by night three a wine glass was in front of me. Just one glass with my meal. Very civilised, I am an adult after all, aided with the promise to myself that I would not refill.
Moderation – that’s my key. I know, I can feel your eyes roll but I was at the beginning of trying to get sober and I fully believed that it could be done at this point.
One small glass of red at dinner led to a glass of Prosecco during the entertainment. I would stop there and have a coffee after that to the dismay of my company. Big mistake by the way. Coffee late at night makes for lack of sleep and grumpy awakenings in the morning.
We got into a habit of booking all inclusive holidays around this time about 2 years ago. These kind of holidays served their purpose then. The trouble though was that it’s becoming very boring. Staying in the same place, seeing the same people, drinking the same drinks every night. This is not my idea if fun. Hubby and I agreed that we could go out some nights as well as him get his alcohol fill for free from the hotel. He said he understood it wasn’t fun for me because “I wasn’t really drinking”.
True to his word off we went one night. His parents with us and because I let my guilt run away with me I ended up ordering Shandy. It was my soft option of “that’s not really drinking is it?!”
This kind of behaviour continued for the rest of the time there. Fully convincing myself with the help of hubby that I had in technically stayed sober! In the sense that I didn’t get drunk.
What the actual F**k?!?!
Who in gods name was I trying to kid here? I knew I had failed my attempt and me saying this to myself was my way to appease the guilt I felt for not being able to stop. These turmoiled feelings of letting myself down alongside being told that it was ok (that’s the kind of support I was receiving) made me realise that
IT WAS NOT OK!
It’s not ok when I get back to normal life and resume with my bottle and a half a night of Prosecco habit on returning home. That thankfully didn’t happen. Not right away anyway, I continued in my sober path until May and I think you have probably already read how that story goes.
I’m writing this post by the way. 2 years on. Sat in a hotel room in Cyprus, I have been thinking how to write it all day whilst laid in the sun completely Sober. This is to try and give you all hope. I’m here on day 7 and have not touched a drop of booze.
The feeling I have this time around is so different from when I first began. I’m here with my hubby, my Sister and her partner. I was initially mocked just like before but this time I was ready. They now know I’m serious, it’s taken a lot of work on myself to get here at this point. It’s not as easy as I’m making it sound.
perhaps whilst I am here my next post can be how to explain that to you in more detail?
But for now, as always, keep remembering your why.
We are worth every step we take to get rid of this substance from our lives.
