Alcohol – Do I Really Have a Problem?

It’s been a few days since I have written anything, don’t worry, I am still sober
I am on Day 47 and feeling strong. Do I Really Have a Problem with Alcohol? 

Reading Helps

I am at the beginning of a new book that I have had to renew 2 times already. So thought it best to make a start and I’m happy I have. The book is “How to Murder Your Own Life” It’s pretty nitty gritty from the start. It has hooked me in so yes I would recommend it if you have a problem with alcohol. Keep in mind the beginning is not a book for the faint-hearted.

Having said that however, this post is not a book review. The book as do many that I read got me thinking. This has compelled me to put it away and to get my thoughts on here before I forget them. The Woman in the book is totally screwed up; there’s something wrong with her. You can definitely see how she became addicted to drugs and alcohol. Have a read and see how messed up you truly are. As I sat reading, my focus on the book drifted to my own habits. Making me question, do I really have a problem? (I’m sure you have done this too!)

You see, if we regard ourselves with an alcohol problem it conjures up the following images:-
Hair unkempt
Smelly
Drinking from dawn till dusk
Hiding alcohol to drinking pure vodka

You get the picture. I’m not any of these, I glam up every day as my job requires me to look my best. When I was drinking, I could miss days at a time boozing(usually because I had made myself ill). The point is I wasn’t drinking all day. 

My Why

So why do I feel the need to be sober if I don’t class myself as an “alcoholic”? Firstly, let’s talk about my dad, and please, this is no pity party. I’m simply painting a picture of where my mindset has come from. He was a true pessimist, and always felt like the world owed him something. Growing up, probably to numb the sad feelings he had I watched him drink. Going from cans of bitter to super-strength cans of bitter followed by a half bottle of whisky and so on…. There is more to this that I am in no state of mind to share with you right now. Sorry (why do I always do that to you 😆).

He wound up leaving my mum. We had all pretty much grown up by then and had our own families. He moved away to a neighbouring town and none of us that I know of had contact with him. I did see him once, he came into a pub where my hubby and I had met with a friend. I was mortified watching him stumble as he tried to get the barman to give him a drink. Feeling paralyzed just sitting there panic-stricken. Would he recognise me? The three of us sat with me secretly praying that my dad wouldn’t recognize me.

a few months later, my dad died in his flat. I went with Mum to the mortuary to identify the body. Although it sounds heartless and macabre, I have my reasons, and Mum seemed relieved not to be too upset.

I believe I am not an alcoholic

Anyway, I have often wondered whether any of us (me and my three siblings) have an alcohol problem. To date, I don’t think any of us have spiraled down unless you count excessive binge drinking sessions. Yes, that’s me!

In truth, to believe I am an alcoholic I feel I would crave it more than I do. To believe I have an issue with alcohol control is more in line with my truth. According to the many books I have read, the term alcoholic no longer has medical usage. The term alcohol use disorder ‘AUD’ is now used for alcoholics. AUD is more fitting to my situation. AUD provides a better scale on where you fall for your use and how bad it is.

I absolutely have an alcohol use disorder. I cannot moderate, I have tried, endlessly.
One drink (what’s the point?)
Two drinks that’s my off switch and away I go until I can’t physically drink anymore.
This brings me nicely to the reason I am trying to get sober. And I say trying because I got to 47 days before and then crashed.

I would love you to join me on my sober journey, please follow me on Instagram @clusoberuk for inspiration.

Feel free to read Addiction to Sobriety