Sober Holiday?

or Not so Sober Holiday

I think I have left you hanging on from one of my earlier sober holidays post long enough. Sorry, I write from the heart, and sometimes this means my tales don’t go by the right sequence of events.

My holiday to India, did I drink or not? The short answer is yes. Even after I took a sober flight because I made myself sick with alcohol the evening before. I let the good old voice in my head determine that I would indeed be missing out. Especially if I didn’t lie on the beach or sit in the numerous bars and restaurants without an alcoholic drink.

Do you know what the craziness of it is? We went to ‘Goa’ which we found out whilst there, that they themselves go on holiday in Goa. It’s so they can have drinking sessions due to many states in India banning the stuff. As they put it ‘liquor is injurious to health‘!

Pre Flight

For some unknown reason we have got into the habit of booking the airport lounge. In the lounge I was aware that hubby had already drank a fair bit after leaving. This became more apparent as we walked to boarded the plane. Something was telling me he was making up for my lack of drinking. As we took off I watched his quick decline as he drank three complimentary gin & tonics. I can honestly say I have never witnessed him this bad on a flight before. Refusing to serve him drinks the attendant could see he had drank far too much already. I sat focused on my screen cringing with embarrassment trying not to engage. Thankfully he slept the rest of the way.

North Goa

Putting the flight saga to one side we arrived at the hotel which was beautiful. The sun was out so that afternoon both of us ventured out to change some currency. We began scouting for the nearest most acceptable bar after thankfully having quick success. Having no time to prepare my brain, in the heat and after a long flight my sobriety tools failed me. Just when I needed them most as hubby asked me what I wanted to drink. In a blind panic I ordered the first of many beers. Well that didn’t last long, so much for sober holidays.

the internal arguments began :
“don’t beat yourself up, it’s only one beer”
“your on holiday, just relax and enjoy”
“as long as you have water as well you will be ok”
“Look it’s the norm, everyone is doing it”
“What does it matter if you don’t sleep, you can rest tomorrow”
“You can stay sober tomorrow”

Of course that last thought never materialised and the drinking lasted the whole two weeks. I know why I allowed myself to feel self conscious. I had a strong feeling of being judged. Along with a constant niggle that I was spoiling things for all if I stayed sober.

Funnily enough, it was that same thought and doubt that I can now use to stay strong. I’m not sure how my mind translated it or what triggered me to think this way. However on returning back home I had what you would say a light bulb moment. I was trying to do what makes me the happiest. I wasn’t ruining a thing. If the people I spend time with thought that I was because I wouldn’t drink. Then is it not them spoiling things for themselves?

Stay Strong

This simple realisation has helped me to stand strong and I have been sober since that holiday. I can still tell that my sobriety is not being valued and is assumed it is just another whim. It only makes me more determined, this time really does feel different. I am different. I am able to stand strong against judgment. Moreover I know staying sober is turning me into the best version of myself I can be. Certainly with more sober holidays to follow I am sure.

@clubsoberuk

Addiction to Sobriety