Sobriety – Different This Time

As in the previous post, I talked about pressures from family and friends. Social and home life all add to my not being able to stop drinking. But this time although still very new in my sobriety, I feel different this time.

Just One Won’t Hurt

Time has passed since I have let “the wine witch” (This Naked Mind – Annie Grace) get in my head. Wine witch, what do you mean? I let myself rationalise why I would be ok to drink. Telling myself, it will be just one or two, it won’t hurt. Or in social situations, I convince myself that I would be spoiling things for others if I didn’t drink. Then there were the holidays. Dreaming of how nice it seemed, sitting by the pool with a nice cold glass of Cava! In truth, those thoughts are still there. I have learned to find tools by listening to many podcasts. Also reading books that have helped me to begin to reprogram my brain on how to view alcohol.

I am going to share with you today some of the things I did to begin.

I ended up downloading an audible version of Allen Carr’s “The Easy Way To Control Alcohol”. I have a longish drive to work. Listening to this on route was perfect, and it did help, for a little while anyway. Learning about what alcohol does matters. An open mind is necessary to be able to accept and absorb these thought-provoking facts about what alcohol really is.

As I age, I have become more health conscious, and deep down I know what alcohol is physically doing to my body. that’s a big game changer, yet crazily I still do it! Focusing helps me to forgo the booze. Still, life happens and I forget the facts. It’s not doing that much harm I convince myself. Besides the really funny one to get you believing it’s ok is the phrase “You gotta live”. Quoted to me regularly I might add. But my question to you is, am I really living sitting in a pub or on the sofa numbing myself with a drink, unable to actually live or do anything other than just sit? Not to mention that it never ends in just one night does it? One night leads to months of spiraling and back to day one.

Following Allen Carr I was thirsty (pun intended) to find more. After a little Facebook digging and I came across Annie Grace with “This Naked Mind’ This lovely lady brought to me a 30-day challenge and I would recommend it to anyone starting this journey. It’s free or was at the time of my writing this. Once signed up you receive a video each day in your inbox, each video contains various facts and stories I was able to relate to. It certainly kept me on the straight and narrow for one of my many attempts at staying sober, but alas it still wasn’t enough.

Books became quite costly to buy so I joined my local library as well. I have got through a few now, the titles are as follows:

Sober Diaries – Definite Recommend
Alcohol Explained – In truth a little bit patronizing and one of the later books I read that just revisited areas I already knew
The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober – Another good one
Alcohol Is Shit – ironically this one I read whilst lying by the pool with a mango daiquiri at my side!

I have just started “How to Murder Your Life“, which in fact has started out promising but I have become too distracted with writing these blogs and it has taken over my reading time – I will let you know the outcome if I ever finish it!

Russell Brand’s “Recovery” book is another one, this is based on the twelve steps from AA, for me however, I struggled with this one, I found it too tedious and only got to chapter 3.

Now for podcast
The main ones I listen to and I think are fantastic podcast is Sober Awkward & One For The Road
Both of these have tons of stories, information and tools to guide you in your sobriety. I don’t always listen to them as I have many topics of interest when driving to work and back but I always fall back to them when I feel at my weakest and begin to crave that drink.

So are you wondering what is different this time? Working out finally what my trigger is. Craving the alcohol itself was not on my radar. Awkward situations were making me believe I needed a drink to relieve the uncomfortableness. 

Let me explain, I realise that when I am uncomfortable in social situations I have taught myself that a drink makes me feel at ease, these social situations can be family or friend gatherings or holidays with meeting new people. It begins with one drink, then the next drink which leads to many more until I actually become withdrawn. As the night progresses I go very quiet. When in company I feel like my brain stops functioning. Panic rises because I have nothing to say all the while becoming aware of how slurred my speech is. Additionally, I become emotional for unknown reasons. Would you believe all this is initiated by my lack of confidence in social situations?

I know I have made that sound quite simple, and it probably is, it’s just the snowball effect I mentioned above happens because of that one simple fact. So I have begun to address it. I am making myself go out into these situations being mindful of being sober, learning new conversation techniques, and teaching myself how to enjoy other people’s company without the panic that I will have nothing to say, and the more I am doing this, the easier it has become.

I no longer start feeling anxious or shy away from new faces, I have even begun to initiate those conversations with strangers just for practice, I have found that I no longer need to reach for that first drink because I can hold a conversation much better sober. Better than I can when I think I am being funny, full of alcohol which I am ashamed to admit often resulted in me being sarcastic for laughs and insulting people!

I feel I have found my why, and as long as I can hold on to my why it keeps the difference it has made on my control over drinking thinking possible for long-term success.