Sobriety – The Beginning

Allow me to paint a picture, this being my 4th post on sobriety. I don’t want to give you any illusion that I have mastered the quit drinking game. I am currently 41 days sober!

However, last year from the 2nd of January 2022, I made it past 100 days, I was so impressed with myself, others couldn’t believe I had done it, this even included 1 sober holiday for which I plan to write a separate post on. I was amazed but then….. I Drank.

It was coming up to hubby’s birthday and I had booked a few days away, I convinced myself that if I didn’t drink whilst on this weekend I would ruin his birthday, I told myself I would moderate, which to some extent I managed, and in truth hubby helped me with, but as a drinker knows, when someone offers you a lime with soda after your first 2 alcoholic drinks, it’s not the most appealing and I had to fight the urge not to throw this drink in his face and yell at him to get me another prosecco. I thankfully recognised that wouldn’t have been one of my finest moments so I forced the soft drinks down in between.

From that weekend away for the next 6 months I went back to it I went, at first moderating, only “allowed” to drink at weekends (that was a joke) and soon I was back to my usual self which brought me to a finale of staying 3 consecutive nights over the christmas period at a travel lodge so I wouldn’t miss out on any parties. FOMO it’s a very real thing and that is, I feel, exacerbated by alcohol!

In my head I tend to romanticize what drinking is to me, I begin to miss going out like we used to.

Hubby and I would often grab a cheeky friday afternoon in Manchester centre for shopping, drinks and a nice meal. The alcohol was of course a big part of this, it’s “what we enjoyed doing”. This perception of our actions never faltered even though on many occasions I was ill with a bad hangover the next day, woke up with puffy eyes from crying over a stupid row we had that I couldn’t even remember what was about.

I recall many times waking up feeling sheepish, peeking at hubby to see what kind of response I would receive depending how bad the night had ended. The overwhelming relief if it was met with a smile like nothing was wrong. In truth, everything was wrong. In my head I was screaming why are you doing this to yourself the anxiety then gripped, nail biting would ensue, I would as the day progressed try to analyse every aspect of the night before that I could remember. Was I awful, did I embarrass myself, sometimes one of the kids would have called to ask what we were up to and I wouldn’t recall speaking to them! This was all made fun of though, like it was completely acceptable behavior.

My next block of sobriety after feeling so disgusted with myself began from the next 2nd January 2023. I achieved another 2 full months. We had an exciting holiday booked in the march and during this short bout of sobriety I was sure I would be able to stay sober for it, but as the days crept nearer, oh and throw in a birthday the day before we flew, the old feelings and thoughts that I was ruining things for everyone by not joining in crept back. 

I crashed yet again, the joyful idea of taking a close family member out in Manchester for cocktails and then to our favorite Greek restaurant came to mind as the perfect birthday gift. I was still arguing in my head as we sat choosing the cocktails “I don’t want to drink again” contradicted with “if I don’t have a drink it will ruin the 2 for 1 between the 4 of us”. I mean what kind of freaking logic is that!!

I drank the cocktails, then with my ‘no filter to stop’ head on, we had red wine with the meal and to finish off, very generously the staff at the restaurant offered us a free shot of ouzo, how nice of them we all declared and down the hatch this shot went.

Needless to say I was incredibly stupid that night, I had not drank for 2 whole months then somehow convinced myself that I would be ok having 3 or 4 ( I can’t remember) potent cocktails, shared 1 carafe of red wine and then a shot and expect to wake up feeling all fresh and flowery the morning after.

The trouble was, the day after I had to complete packing, we were due to leave for the airport at 2:30pm. I was dreadfully hungover, I couldn’t eat from feeling nauseous, I had a headache from hell and I had to remember all this important stuff as our trip was to India where visas were required and apparently they were uber strict on things.

On getting to the airport and at the check in desk the first bout of seriously heart stopping anxiety hit when the clerk asked us to wait to one side whilst they contacted the Indian government over our visa. Apparently it hadn’t printed correctly, that’s a bit of a long story I won’t bore you on here.

Thankfully it was all sorted and we trotted over to security where I then got searched, another raise to my anxiety, unbelievably it was only my bag that got pulled to one side for searching. I mean what are the odds!

At this point I was in a complete meltdown, I was having to consciously take deep breaths to calm myself down, I felt a million degrees even though I knew I had done nothing wrong. I was going on holiday with my in-laws and husband, we had booked the airport lounge, time was ticking, I felt the pressure, like this was all my fault it was awful, I felt so responsible and the worry was becoming unbearable. (note to self, must try meditation). Finally all was cleared. Our flight was delayed for an hour so our airport lounge time was enjoyed to the fullest. Mine however, much to the annoyance of my hubby, consisted of a tomato juice, decaf coffee and some chicken as I finally began to relax (deep breaths).

The notion everyone has of the airport lounge (in my family anyway) was to ‘get your money’s worth’ 3 times I was asked if I wanted an alcoholic drink followed by “it will make you feel better” How? YOU TELL ME HOW DOES THAT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER? Feeling sick as a dog adding alcohol to disguise that feeling will result at some point me having to sober up yet again and feel the same way. Our rationale on this is hilarious. I didn’t drink, I had a sober flight all the way telling myself I would not drink on holiday!

What do you think I did?

To be continued…..