Family and Getting Sober

I have always drank alcohol as you have read before, I never considered what that may have shown my kids as they were growing up, it is something everyone does so why wouldn’t we do this in front of the kids?

I remember going for meals out with them, on occassion I would have a glass of wine and my husband would say to the the kids “watch this now, mummy will go all funny” like it was something good, I would laugh along with this thinking it was a fun way to show the kids how mum wobbles when sh’se had a drink, but now looking back, what were we teaching them? I can’t imagine what went through our poor children’s minds at that time, and in truth I don’t really want to know, facing the truth hurts, this writing my thoughts lark is all new to me and I am not quite ready to hear it yet.

There were so many times as the kids were growing up that they would come home to find their parents drunkenly slouched on the sofa watching TV after an afternoon of drinking. Absolutely in no condition to parent properly and there we were, thinking this was acceptable. At the ages of 14 and 16, weren’t they old enough to sort themselves out? Don’t get me wrong, I always had our meals planned and sorted before we had these outings, quite often that would mean a takeout which the kids actually loved (thankfully) as that was my way of easing any guilt I felt for not cooking something more nutritious.

F**k, this is a hard one to write. I have only ever fleetingly reflected on all of this, probably because deep down I knew the damage we was really doing but I didn’t want to stop our “fun”!

So many times an argument would break out, either myself and hubby or one of us with the kids, alcohol definitely makes me take things the wrong way and I easily become disgruntled and so does the other half thinking about it. Quite often it would be with hubby and our daughter, she is a feisty little thing, she has always known her own mind and growing up she has wanted so much independence that she felt we were trying to keep from her.

I often became the mediator between our daughter and him, it got much worse after one particular evening. How I long to take that night back, it may have even been the unconscious beginning of me looking into why I drink.

That night and I really wish I could go into the detail of it but for the sake of keeping my marriage I’m going to refrain. This said evening, my daughter saw something that as far as I could see made her lose all respect for her father, and in truth rightly so. We were at friends and of course drinking when this incident happened, but instead of it being dealt with and an apology being made right there and then or even the morning after, both my daughter and I was ignored and told it was an over reaction to this situation and then brushed away as if it didn’t matter. Our daughter at the time was 14 years old and no dummy, she knew what she saw and I could see how hurt she felt not being able to talk about it or having it explained to her but to be told it was nothing. From that day forward I saw the decline in relationship between them, it was so sad, still my husband, our daughters dad didn’t see fit or want to accept it was that night fueling the arguments that ensued, not recognising what we had both done and just assumed it was our daughter being difficult.

I’m sorry I cannot go into finer detail, believe me I wish I could and I know this must be difficult to read like i’m dangling a carrot, but i am not, I promise, I hope you understand that this is purely to keep my family safe from what could be very damaging words.

Over the last few years I have managed to speak with my daughter about that night, I have told her that we was wrong and I have apologised to her and tried to explain why that situation happened. I have also spoken separately to my husband about it, he has come to terms with accepting we were wrong in how we dealt with it, he also agreed to sit with our daughter and talk about that night and make an apology himself but as yet they have not revisited this area. I hope someday before its too late he can find the courage to do that.

I’m signing off on that note, this one has made me very emotional. “Do hard things” people say, this is one of the hardest things I have done so far, hopefully it will help some of you but in which way I’m not sure.

I have driven to work since writing all the above, it gave me time to think about what I have said and it made me feel that I needed to add a little something. That something is my intention here is not to lay blame, well not on anyone but on myself. I take full responsibility for not standing up to the situation as it happened. Alcohol – It make me anxious, it makes me angry, it makes me sad it makes me do stupid things but most of all it makes me hide from difficult situations that I should be able to handle as an adult, especially with own children.